In September of 2005, a week after my 24th birthday, the lifeless weight of a dying heart was too much for my small hands to carry. Aged boards sobbed beneath my fading frame and as the poison in my belly spilled through my body I slowly began to let go.
But down. Way down. Under layer of layers of scars on scars. Beneath the multiple pockets of humiliation, sadness, fear, devastation and self-condemnation. Was hope. Hope challenged the pills and the chemicals and the fury of the darkness. And won. And here I am. Alive.Through the war, the vases against the walls, the mad houses, through the tears, the unjust share of hurt and through the giants of the darkness that bullied and tortured the sun. I survived. And it’s only on days such as today that I am truly reminded of why.
On this day, after 7 years of falling flat and hollow into a sea of luster-less stars, Running Red Lights wrapped all recording that will become our first full length album since our conception. I am overjoyed. I am so proud. Today as the final note played out my thoughts briefly wandered into that moment 8 years ago when death stood waiting and I immediately shuddered in relief. Relieved to be here. Here so I may raise this fine cheap glass of wine and laugh out loud in childish excitement with the brothers I adore. Here so I may hover over this machine that voices the sounds of my life and quietly float away to a place where the darkness has no claim. Here so I may press my lips in a smile against the mouth of my love and whisper the words ‘we did it’. Here so that I may give the world my once dying heart now fiercely beating in my steady hands. For you.(To have as you lie in your bed needing some comfort as you softly fall asleep).
Perhaps the forces that score the game will not let me feel this good for very long. They will need their fix soon. But until then I am so happy! We did it! We really fucking did and did it well! I can’t wait to share it with you all!
There’s a Bluebird in My Heart. Coming 01/14/14.